| One thing I want you to totally get out
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| | two people have been together, the less
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| of your mind right now is the idea that
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| | they truly know the other person.
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| at the deep psychological level that
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| | And I'll add this incredible fact to the
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| there are any absolutes about "what women
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| | mix. In the vast majority of
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| want" or "what men want."
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| | relationships, The longer two people have
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| I tell you, I've seen absolutely every
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| | been together, the more stubborn they are
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| variation on this old saw in the so
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| | about insisting that their hallucinations
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| called "literature" of my field, in the
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| | about their partner are absolute truth.
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| popular literature, in television,
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| | Imagine this. If you were to launch a
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| movies, magazines, workshops, and I'm
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| | rocket ship at the moon, if it didn't
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| totally unconvinced that at the deepest,
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| | have a capable computer that was making
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| most fundamental levels that you can make
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| | constant little corrections, and it were
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| ANY conclusions about "what women want
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| | just one tenth of one degree off in its
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| and need" or "what men want and need" in
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| | aim, it would end up thousands of miles
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| relationships.
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| | off target.
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| Such divisions will do nothing but
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| | To use another, much more common image,
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| support your defenses and keep you from
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| | think about driving your car on the
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| ever discovering the depth of a Great
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| | highway. Imagine that you are on an
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| Relationship.
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| | extremely straight highway (say, I-70
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| Let me put this in front of you right
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| | through Kansas). Could you just aim the
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| now. Stop making conclusions!
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| | car and strap a rope to the steering
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| Just stop making conclusions! Your mind
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| | wheel and go take a nap in the back seat?
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| is full of nonsense about men and women,
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| | Of course not. Even on an extremely
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| relationships, marriage, divorce, gay and
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| | straight road, you have to constantly be
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| straight, sex in general. Just give it
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| | making little adjustments, right? (And
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| up and make yourself like a brand new
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| | NO relationships are "straight roads" as
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| baby who doesn't know a thing, and then,
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| | you know -- they are just chock full of
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| like a baby, discover all the ways to get
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| | bumps and swerves and ups and downs!).
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| the "right" information --that is, the
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| | And you have to be pretty relaxed to
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| information that comes from the reality
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| | drive well and keep open to those
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| of dealing directly and without filters
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| | constant adjustments, not resisting them
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| with your loved one.
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| | or insisting that you are right when you
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| Without foregone conclusions!
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| | are going off the road! Yet that's
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| Just stop making conclusions that just
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| | exactly what happens in most
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| because you have lived with someone or
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| | relationships. People make up their
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| been married to them for ten, twenty,
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| | minds and just strap down their "steering
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| thirty, forty or even fifty years, that
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| | wheel" -- their thoughts, feelings,
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| you know ANYTHING about them.
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| | imagination and ideas about themselves,
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| I can't tell you how many times I've sat
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| | their partners and marriages -- and seem
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| in my therapy room with my jaw on the
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| | not to care if they run off the road.
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| floor from hearing the conclusions that
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| | The amazing thing is that the majority of
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| one person has just drawn about their
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| | people are totally dedicated to being
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| partner and who that person is, when it
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| | right far above their desire to have a
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| is abundantly clear, just from what that
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| | great relationship.
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| person just NOW said and expressed that
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| | You have to be ready and willing to be
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| the other person is simply hallucinating
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| | wrong, wrong, wrong. Most people are
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| and that they aren't talking about their
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| | happy to trash their entire life just to
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| partner AT ALL!
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| | keep their fool heads focused on the
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| I don't care how long you have been
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| | position that they are right, right,
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| together. The likelihood is that unless
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| | right.
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| you have made a regular, ongoing,
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| | This kind of stubbornness will destroy
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| open-minded attempt without cease and
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| | relationships. You'll never be ready for
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| with real courage and intensity to keep
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| | a great relationship unless you are ready
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| yourself open to the changes and
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| | to be wrong, wrong, wrong!
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| development of the person you are with,
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| | That is, unless you are ready to have a
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| you don't know that person at all.
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| | truly open mind, and recognize that all
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| As a matter of fact, let me make that
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| | of the conclusions you have about your
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| even stronger. I think that in the vast
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| | partner over the time you've been
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| majority of relationships that the longer
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| | together could be sheer hallucinations!
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