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Men and Women Are Different? Wrong!

One thing I want you to totally get outperson.
of your mind right now is the idea thatAnd I'll add this incredible fact to the
at the deep psychological level thatmix. In the vast majority of
there are any absolutes about "whatrelationships, The longer two people
women want" or "what men want."have been together, the more stubborn
I tell you, I've seen absolutely everythey are about insisting that their
variation on this old saw in the sohallucinations about their partner are
called "literature" of my field, in theabsolute truth.
popular literature, in television,Imagine this. If you were to launch a
movies, magazines, workshops, and I'mrocket ship at the moon, if it didn't
totally unconvinced that at the deepest,have a capable computer that was making
most fundamental levels that you canconstant little corrections, and it were
make ANY conclusions about "what womenjust one tenth of one degree off in its
want and need" or "what men want andaim, it would end up thousands of miles
need" in relationships.off target.
Such divisions will do nothing butTo use another, much more common image,
support your defenses and keep you fromthink about driving your car on the
ever discovering the depth of a Greathighway. Imagine that you are on an
Relationship.extremely straight highway (say, I-70
Let me put this in front of you rightthrough Kansas). Could you just aim the
now. Stop making conclusions!car and strap a rope to the steering
Just stop making conclusions! Your mindwheel and go take a nap in the back
is full of nonsense about men and women,seat? Of course not. Even on an
relationships, marriage, divorce, gayextremely straight road, you have to
and straight, sex in general. Just giveconstantly be making little adjustments,
it up and make yourself like a brand newright? (And NO relationships are
baby who doesn't know a thing, and then,"straight roads" as you know -- they are
like a baby, discover all the ways tojust chock full of bumps and swerves and
get the "right" information --that is,ups and downs!).
the information that comes from theAnd you have to be pretty relaxed to
reality of dealing directly and withoutdrive well and keep open to those
filters with your loved one.constant adjustments, not resisting them
Without foregone conclusions!or insisting that you are right when you
Just stop making conclusions that justare going off the road! Yet that's
because you have lived with someone orexactly what happens in most
been married to them for ten, twenty,relationships. People make up their
thirty, forty or even fifty years, thatminds and just strap down their
you know ANYTHING about them."steering wheel" -- their thoughts,
I can't tell you how many times I've satfeelings, imagination and ideas about
in my therapy room with my jaw on thethemselves, their partners and marriages
floor from hearing the conclusions that-- and seem not to care if they run off
one person has just drawn about theirthe road.
partner and who that person is, when itThe amazing thing is that the majority
is abundantly clear, just from what thatof people are totally dedicated to being
person just NOW said and expressed thatright far above their desire to have a
the other person is simply hallucinatinggreat relationship.
and that they aren't talking about theirYou have to be ready and willing to be
partner AT ALL!wrong, wrong, wrong. Most people are
I don't care how long you have beenhappy to trash their entire life just to
together. The likelihood is that unlesskeep their fool heads focused on the
you have made a regular, ongoing,position that they are right, right,
open-minded attempt without cease andright.
with real courage and intensity to keepThis kind of stubbornness will destroy
yourself open to the changes andrelationships. You'll never be ready
development of the person you are with,for a great relationship unless you are
you don't know that person at all.ready to be wrong, wrong, wrong!
As a matter of fact, let me make thatThat is, unless you are ready to have a
even stronger. I think that in the vasttruly open mind, and recognize that all
majority of relationships that theof the conclusions you have about your
longer two people have been together,partner over the time you've been
the less they truly know the othertogether could be sheer hallucinations!



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