| One thing I want you to totally get out of | | | | have been together, the less they truly know |
| your mind right now is the idea that at the | | | | the other person. |
| deep psychological level that there are any | | | | |
| absolutes about "what women want" or "what | | | | And I'll add this incredible fact to the mix. |
| men want." | | | | In the vast majority of relationships, The |
| | | | longer two people have been together, the |
| I tell you, I've seen absolutely every | | | | more stubborn they are about insisting that |
| variation on this old saw in the so called | | | | their hallucinations about their partner are |
| "literature" of my field, in the popular | | | | absolute truth. |
| literature, in television, movies, magazines, | | | | |
| workshops, and I'm totally unconvinced that | | | | Imagine this. If you were to launch a rocket |
| at the deepest, most fundamental levels that | | | | ship at the moon, if it didn't have a capable |
| you can make ANY conclusions about "what | | | | computer that was making constant little |
| women want and need" or "what men want and | | | | corrections, and it were just one tenth of |
| need" in relationships. | | | | one degree off in its aim, it would end up |
| | | | thousands of miles off target. |
| Such divisions will do nothing but support | | | | |
| your defenses and keep you from ever | | | | To use another, much more common image, think |
| discovering the depth of a Great | | | | about driving your car on the highway. |
| Relationship. | | | | Imagine that you are on an extremely straight |
| | | | highway (say, I-70 through Kansas). Could |
| Let me put this in front of you right now. | | | | you just aim the car and strap a rope to the |
| Stop making conclusions! | | | | steering wheel and go take a nap in the back |
| | | | seat? Of course not. Even on an extremely |
| Just stop making conclusions! Your mind is | | | | straight road, you have to constantly be |
| full of nonsense about men and women, | | | | making little adjustments, right? (And NO |
| relationships, marriage, divorce, gay and | | | | relationships are "straight roads" as you |
| straight, sex in general. Just give it up | | | | know -- they are just chock full of bumps and |
| and make yourself like a brand new baby who | | | | swerves and ups and downs!). |
| doesn't know a thing, and then, like a baby, | | | | |
| discover all the ways to get the "right" | | | | And you have to be pretty relaxed to drive |
| information --that is, the information that | | | | well and keep open to those constant |
| comes from the reality of dealing directly | | | | adjustments, not resisting them or insisting |
| and without filters with your loved one. | | | | that you are right when you are going off the |
| | | | road! Yet that's exactly what happens in |
| Without foregone conclusions! | | | | most relationships. People make up their |
| | | | minds and just strap down their "steering |
| Just stop making conclusions that just | | | | wheel" -- their thoughts, feelings, |
| because you have lived with someone or been | | | | imagination and ideas about themselves, their |
| married to them for ten, twenty, thirty, | | | | partners and marriages -- and seem not to |
| forty or even fifty years, that you know | | | | care if they run off the road. |
| ANYTHING about them. | | | | |
| | | | The amazing thing is that the majority of |
| I can't tell you how many times I've sat in | | | | people are totally dedicated to being right |
| my therapy room with my jaw on the floor from | | | | far above their desire to have a great |
| hearing the conclusions that one person has | | | | relationship. |
| just drawn about their partner and who that | | | | |
| person is, when it is abundantly clear, just | | | | You have to be ready and willing to be wrong, |
| from what that person just NOW said and | | | | wrong, wrong. Most people are happy to trash |
| expressed that the other person is simply | | | | their entire life just to keep their fool |
| hallucinating and that they aren't talking | | | | heads focused on the position that they are |
| about their partner AT ALL! | | | | right, right, right. |
| | | | |
| I don't care how long you have been together. | | | | This kind of stubbornness will destroy |
| The likelihood is that unless you have made | | | | relationships. You'll never be ready for a |
| a regular, ongoing, open-minded attempt | | | | great relationship unless you are ready to be |
| without cease and with real courage and | | | | wrong, wrong, wrong! |
| intensity to keep yourself open to the | | | | |
| changes and development of the person you are | | | | That is, unless you are ready to have a truly |
| with, you don't know that person at all. | | | | open mind, and recognize that all of the |
| | | | conclusions you have about your partner over |
| As a matter of fact, let me make that even | | | | the time you've been together could be sheer |
| stronger. I think that in the vast majority | | | | hallucinations! |
| of relationships that the longer two people | | | | |