| One thing I want you to totally get out | | | | person. |
| of your mind right now is the idea that | | | | And I'll add this incredible fact to the |
| at the deep psychological level that | | | | mix. In the vast majority of |
| there are any absolutes about "what | | | | relationships, The longer two people |
| women want" or "what men want." | | | | have been together, the more stubborn |
| I tell you, I've seen absolutely every | | | | they are about insisting that their |
| variation on this old saw in the so | | | | hallucinations about their partner are |
| called "literature" of my field, in the | | | | absolute truth. |
| popular literature, in television, | | | | Imagine this. If you were to launch a |
| movies, magazines, workshops, and I'm | | | | rocket ship at the moon, if it didn't |
| totally unconvinced that at the deepest, | | | | have a capable computer that was making |
| most fundamental levels that you can | | | | constant little corrections, and it were |
| make ANY conclusions about "what women | | | | just one tenth of one degree off in its |
| want and need" or "what men want and | | | | aim, it would end up thousands of miles |
| need" in relationships. | | | | off target. |
| Such divisions will do nothing but | | | | To use another, much more common image, |
| support your defenses and keep you from | | | | think about driving your car on the |
| ever discovering the depth of a Great | | | | highway. Imagine that you are on an |
| Relationship. | | | | extremely straight highway (say, I-70 |
| Let me put this in front of you right | | | | through Kansas). Could you just aim the |
| now. Stop making conclusions! | | | | car and strap a rope to the steering |
| Just stop making conclusions! Your mind | | | | wheel and go take a nap in the back |
| is full of nonsense about men and women, | | | | seat? Of course not. Even on an |
| relationships, marriage, divorce, gay | | | | extremely straight road, you have to |
| and straight, sex in general. Just give | | | | constantly be making little adjustments, |
| it up and make yourself like a brand new | | | | right? (And NO relationships are |
| baby who doesn't know a thing, and then, | | | | "straight roads" as you know -- they are |
| like a baby, discover all the ways to | | | | just chock full of bumps and swerves and |
| get the "right" information --that is, | | | | ups and downs!). |
| the information that comes from the | | | | And you have to be pretty relaxed to |
| reality of dealing directly and without | | | | drive well and keep open to those |
| filters with your loved one. | | | | constant adjustments, not resisting them |
| Without foregone conclusions! | | | | or insisting that you are right when you |
| Just stop making conclusions that just | | | | are going off the road! Yet that's |
| because you have lived with someone or | | | | exactly what happens in most |
| been married to them for ten, twenty, | | | | relationships. People make up their |
| thirty, forty or even fifty years, that | | | | minds and just strap down their |
| you know ANYTHING about them. | | | | "steering wheel" -- their thoughts, |
| I can't tell you how many times I've sat | | | | feelings, imagination and ideas about |
| in my therapy room with my jaw on the | | | | themselves, their partners and marriages |
| floor from hearing the conclusions that | | | | -- and seem not to care if they run off |
| one person has just drawn about their | | | | the road. |
| partner and who that person is, when it | | | | The amazing thing is that the majority |
| is abundantly clear, just from what that | | | | of people are totally dedicated to being |
| person just NOW said and expressed that | | | | right far above their desire to have a |
| the other person is simply hallucinating | | | | great relationship. |
| and that they aren't talking about their | | | | You have to be ready and willing to be |
| partner AT ALL! | | | | wrong, wrong, wrong. Most people are |
| I don't care how long you have been | | | | happy to trash their entire life just to |
| together. The likelihood is that unless | | | | keep their fool heads focused on the |
| you have made a regular, ongoing, | | | | position that they are right, right, |
| open-minded attempt without cease and | | | | right. |
| with real courage and intensity to keep | | | | This kind of stubbornness will destroy |
| yourself open to the changes and | | | | relationships. You'll never be ready |
| development of the person you are with, | | | | for a great relationship unless you are |
| you don't know that person at all. | | | | ready to be wrong, wrong, wrong! |
| As a matter of fact, let me make that | | | | That is, unless you are ready to have a |
| even stronger. I think that in the vast | | | | truly open mind, and recognize that all |
| majority of relationships that the | | | | of the conclusions you have about your |
| longer two people have been together, | | | | partner over the time you've been |
| the less they truly know the other | | | | together could be sheer hallucinations! |